Splatterhouse

Lower your expectations. Now. Because this isn’t really a very good game at all. It’s repetitive, the fatalities repeat forever, you need multiple playthroughs to 1k the game, the side scrolling sections are broken and will send you into a blind rage and the ending is shite. But it also has Winnie the Pooh ordering you to “Fuck that thing!”, plays Mastodon on a loop and lets you pull a zombie-dog things brain out of its arsehole.

Essentially just a hyper-violent hack and slash, the games saving grace is a comprehensive and meaningful upgrade system, grinding becomes much more enjoyable when your never more than 20 minutes away from a cool power-up and there is joy to be had going from utter dweeb to unstoppable, neck snapping monster. The difficulty was spot on too; it never got frustrating but I never felt any room was a dead certain to get through. The achievements were varied and fun and for once the collectables were enjoyable; lightly sprinkled shreds of sexy pictures.

Splatterhouse was a bit pooh, but the way it threw itself into over the top gore and all things boys love paid off well. The game is short, which is in many ways a virtue, so I certainly wouldn’t buy it at anywhere near full price. But if you can rent, borrow or pick it up in a bargain bin you ought to be entertained for a day or two atleast.